Obstetrical Spanglish, Birth Plans, and Salad Bars

No One Is Going To Read This On A Friday Night…but these little posts each night are becoming sort of a habit. So, I’ll write it anyways.

Today, I reached what might have been the pinnacle of my obstetrical Spanglish.

I was trying to explain to the patient that she needed to push very hard because the baby’s heart rate was dropping after each contraction (recurrent late decelerations, if you want to know the specific term) and that baby would not tolerate labor much longer (and, hence, the C-section she had shortly thereafter).

I think I said something along the lines of “Señora! Es muy importante to empuha with todo su fuerza! Todo su fuerza!”

(Translation: Señora! It is very important to push with all of your force! All of your force!)

I mean, I think that’s what I said.

It was super elegant and rolled off the tongue very nicely.

Along the lines of birth plans, let me say this: there is no crystal ball in obstetrics. As part of the “induction of labor” bedside chat I had many, many times when I did L&D nights as a second year, I emphasized this fact. There is no way to predict exactly what will happen between the onset of your labor (natural or medicinal) and the exit of the fetus from your corpus (either vaginal or abdominal).  You can have a terrible tracing. You can get chorio. Or maybe you’ll get lucky and the baby will fly out (usually with the 2nd or 3rd kid unless you’re really lucky like my former co-resident who thought she was 2 cm with her first baby and was actually 10 cm).

Then again, going against what I said, I do have a very specific birth plan for when I am pregnant. Epidural on arrival. AROM. Pitocin. Delivery of baby over an intact perineum OR ELSE. I also want to go into labor at, let’s just say, 38 0/7. I hope my fetus gets the memo. I would also like it to be approximately 6# 10 oz and in direct OA position (I’ll take LOA or ROA….fine) or else it cannot have Pirate’s Booty until the age of 5. DO YOU UNDERSTAND FUTURE FETUS?!

I’m not asking for too much right?

On a separate note, I had a super exciting Friday night. I went nuts at the Whole Food ssalad bar and bought full fat Greek yogurt (variety in fat percentages in your yogurt really is the spice of life, no?). I have no idea why I am not married.

I also bought a new flavor of La Croix seltzer. For my 30th birthday, I would really like a mini-fridge full of La Croix seltzer that I can solely dedicate for this purpose. I just need to find space in my 425 sq foot apartment for it.

Again, no idea why I’m not married.

Final thoughts: how can a person (such as myself) like olive oil but not olives?

Is this a mystery to anyone else?

Night Night

Until next time…

Until next time…

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4 thoughts on “Obstetrical Spanglish, Birth Plans, and Salad Bars

  1. I too am living the #lacroixlifestyle! I recently moved to a different job and my new office is right across the street from City Target which gives me easy access to Apricot and Pamplemousse (grapefruit) – my current faves. My coworkers make fun of me for having two cases of it in the work fridge, but I don’t care!

  2. i have to share this patient story since i do not have my own blog….i lovely depressed patient i saw recently with multiple pain issues came to see me. we talked a lot about how to treat her pain, what causes it etc. i told her to take wholistic approach to care, exercise, eat well, medicate, get a pet….she told she tried to adopt a puppy recently to do exactly that, but the pet adoption agency would let her take this puppy home….i did not know how to get myself out of that hole…..

  3. Polar seltzer is where it’s at! (New England pride. Might be biased) Especially with the seasonal flavors.
    The best you can really hope for is a very boring delivery, I think. Mine was extremely boring, except for fifteen minutes in the middle where there were some really intense contractions, baby’s heartbeat was Not Having It, and they whacked me with a shot of terbutaline and waited for things to calm down.
    Making your patients laugh hysterically is probably not the best way to get them to push, but it might entertain them while they do so.

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