Why So Fickle?

So, if you’re still reading this, you’re probably wondering why on earth I made my blog private for around 12 hours (including going through the list compiled months ago and “inviting” those who asked for it – sorry to spam your inbox now), then reneged on the decision?

It seems I had a paroxysm of adolescent behavior when you think all of the world cares about you.

To keep it brief, on Monday, I found out a didn’t get a residency interview at a place I really wanted to interview at. Don’t worry, I spent about 9 miles scouring my brain for anything I did “wrong.”

For some reason, I always think my running, this blog, and my desire to sleep 7 hours per night (ok, 8 for me, usually) is my “doctorly downfall” – what will keep me from being a good physician and why a residency program wouldn’t want me.

So, of course, upon said rejection, I freaked out and decided I should become a medical student monk – all work, no play, no running, no blog, only scholarly activities.

I then realized that 1) my personal statement has a running theme to it so that cat’s out of the bag for any program and 2) my “extra-curricular” activities, so to speak, help keep me sane and, in turn, perform better as a student. I’ve always performed better in school when I’ve pursued an athletic endeavor and/or done other things (babysitting, tutoring, etc).

Plus, the private blog thing was becoming way too labor intensive for my liking. Too many emails from wordpress blowing up my inbox.

So, unless I get an email from a program director telling me how they didn’t like my blog and that is why they weren’t giving me an interview, I’m keeping it up and public.

Plus, I doubt a program director (a practicing physician and in academic medicine) has the time to take to find this blog.

See, egocentric mindset consistent with adolescent behavior!

One good thing stemming from the residency program interview rejection was that any marathon or running related anxiety quickly faded as the “oh my word, I’m never going to match anywhere!!!” anxiety was driven to the forefront of, well, basically all of my thoughts.

Is there a Believe I Am journal for medical school?!? [but, seriously…]

Running became really therapeutic this week, an outlet and, better yet, source of control when it seemed I was losing control in my school life (the residency application process is a lot about giving up control and embracing uncertainty).

Then, you realize how menial your “problems” (really, Meggie, not getting one interview is going to send you into orbit?) are when you meet a 40-something patient who found a breast lump that ended up being metastatic cancer or read about these pro runner “contracts” that seem anxiety-provoking and rather unfair (I think they should dole those contracts out with a SSRI [anxiety med] stipend). My level of uncertainty pales in comparison to that of a professional runner whose contract seems basically aimed at trying to give them the least amount of money possible.

So, to end this disjointed post – thanks for sticking around through my fickle “should I make my blog private?” episode.


Until next time…


15 thoughts on “Why So Fickle?

  1. This makes me sound super old, but I am not even 40. My daughter is a freshman in college and she wants to be a doctor. Not just any doctor, a surgeon! She nannies for a few doctors and they told her that she needs to offer something different. Everybody volunteers/interns at hospitals. I’ve heard it’s super tough to get into med school. I’m sure I didn’t tell you anything you don’t already know. Good luck! You will find your match soon enough!

  2. Hi Meggie! I love your blog! I am an RN and have toyed with the idea of going back to school to become an NP (more realistic) or MD (seems more comprehensive than an NP program)! I run also and I think its wise of you to keep up your extra curricular activities- it keeps you balanced and sane and ultimately I think that’s what patients want! Almost all of the physicians I know run daily; it seems to be a part of the medical culture?? I am enjoying hearing about your medical school trials and tribulations! Keep up the good work!

  3. Well have a running date to discuss this! Don’t be disheartened, sometimes these things are completely random. You and I know that you are not only an awesome candidate but a supertastic person and any program would be lucky to have you as a doctor!

  4. Oooh love this post! I made my blog private for a while also, then just removed info I thought was too revealing…I work with several orthopedic docs, all of whom are HUGE fitness buffs, the doc I work with personally is a mom of 2 young girls and just ran a 1:41 half marathon to finish second on her age group in a local race…and she’s a great doc, so you do NOT have to be super nerdo med student to be successful! I didn’t get a really awesome job I applied for out of grad school even though I thought the interview went really super and was pretty upset initially but I ended up with an even better position! So even though you may see this as a bummer now, the places you do interview with/go to will be even better for you!

  5. aww man, sorry about the interview! (but it’s their loss, obvi). I’m sure you’ll get tons more, without a doubt. When I didn’t match to the dietetic internship the first time I applied, it sucked and I was sad for a long time. But, everything happens for a reason. That I know.

    What about a Believe I Am journal for life in general?

  6. I don’t know too much about the process, but when I was in college I was a server at a Country Club. They hosted the luncheon where med students would find out where they were placed for residency. It was such an emotional event (as you can imagine!). Nerves were high and the students barely touched their lunch in anticipation of the ceremony to follow. Then it was tears or cheers once they opened the envelope. But often, more cheers. Anyways, I give you major props as you embark on this journey. I can’t wait to see where your path may take you. Wherever you may go, hold onto whatever makes you happy and gives you balance. And may there be scenic running routes galore!

    PS. Love the new look 🙂

  7. How many residency programs did you apply at? I am sure that a program director wouldn’t not give you an interview based on your blog. If you want my honest opinion, I doubt that they would even look at it.I LOVE your blog and I love reading about your running and adventures in NYC. I look forward to reading your posts (if that matters or not). Keep it up!

  8. The residency application process is so stressful! I just finished residency this summer but I well recall the stress of applying, waiting for interview invites/rejections, stewing endlessly over the rank list, submitting the rank list. And then wondering wondering wondering….until finally Match Day arrived! It is a long process, one that I’m sure distance running helps prepare mentally for (I wasn’t running much at the time: good for you to keep that up during med school.). Please vent anytime — there are definitely readers who commiserate with you mightily! (Just think….then there’s fellowship applications which, at least in my speciality, is an even murkier process!!) Wishing you the best and looking forward to reading more about your experience! Although it’s stressful, it’s also fun to travel around, visit different programs and meet all sorts of folks: I hope that in the midst of the stress you’re also really able to enjoy it!!! Just like the upcoming marathon!!!

  9. I’m sorry I told everyone except NYP not to give you an interview…I feel about about that now!!

    But really…sorry you didn’t get your favorite spot, but (I hate saying this…) many things happen for a reason (not everything, I’m convinced), and you’ll find a residency that fits you best. If I didn’t take the nursing job that I haaaated and made me miserable, I never would have ended up here. And being here has worked out pretty well if you ask me.

    That being said, I’m pretty sure I cried multiple time over my initial job hunt when I couldn’t even get an interview…it’s tough, blah.

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